EP 266 Unexpecting – The Honest and Raw Experiences of Repeated Pregnancy Loss & Infertility | Tara Lipinski
Tara Lipinski, internationally acclaimed figure skater was catapulted onto the world's
stage when she won the gold medal at the 1998 Nagano Olympics – earning her the distinction as the youngest individual Gold Medalist in the history of the Winter Games. As the official correspondent and commentator for the Olympics, Tara was the primetime analyst for figure skating at the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing and hosted NBC’s coverage of the 2021 Summer Olympics closing ceremony in Tokyo. She has served as the host and commentator for many
NBC events such as the Kentucky Derby, the Superbowl, and the National Dog Show, as well as hosted Food Network’s Wedding Cake Championship. Released in January 2022, she produced a three-part docuseries for NBC’s streamer Peacock, entitled “Meddling: The Olympic Skating Scandal that Shocked the World.” Most recently she started a production company called May Fifth Productions with her husband, Director/Producer Todd Kapostasy.
Tara recently shared her own fertility journey struggles which you can hear about in her and her husband’s podcast “Unexpecting”. When I began listening to their podcast, I couldn’t stop! If you are on the fertility journey, you must give their podcast a listen!
Tara’s website: https://taralipinski.com
https://www.instagram.com/taralipinski
https://www.facebook.com/TaraLipinski
For more information about Michelle, visit www.michelleoravitz.com
The Wholesome Fertility facebook group is where you can find free resources and support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2149554308396504/
Instagram: @thewholesomelotusfertility
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thewholesomelotus/
Transcript:
Michelle: [00:00:00] Welcome to the podcast, Tara.
Tara: Hi, so excited to be here.
Michelle: I'm so excited to have you here. First of all, I'm a little starstruck. I actually remember the time when you were against Michelle Kwan. And I was like, Oh my God, I remember that. It was incredible. So, and first of all ice skating is my favorite winter sport. So
Tara: Good. That's a good thing. I love it. That's
Michelle: sure.
Michelle: And. So I know that your story has so many ups and downs and I've been listening to the podcast and I almost don't even want to get too into detail because I don't want to ruin it if people are going to listen to the podcast. Cause I literally was hanging on the edge to listen to the next one.
Michelle: And the next one, it really was like cliffhangers.
Tara: I know.
Michelle: And at the same time It was it definitely captured the emotion. I remember specifically episode 10. I was like bawling listening to that it was really really emotional and touching and [00:01:00] knowing your background and That you're a figure skater and that you're an athlete and just really what goes into being an athlete In that kind of competition and like the personal development that you have to have and the strength and it seems like nothing prepares you for this.
Tara: Nothing does and I think that Being an athlete and growing up as an athlete You just have this mentality that the harder you work the more effort you put in Then you'll achieve your dream. You will get results. And that's just not the case with a medical diagnosis or infertility. And that was a really hard lesson for me to learn and to accept, because I'm such a type A controlling person, if I'm being honest, where I want to have control over things in my life, that it was the first time where I realized, this is so out of my, hands, this is something that I can't control, and I had to really try to learn patience and acceptance and Realize that you can't just will yourself to [00:02:00] have a baby or, you know, to, to fight this awful path that sometimes people are put on when you get an unexplained infertility diagnosis or even any type of fertility diagnosis, it still can be a day to day struggle of trying to find out what's wrong and that's It's really hard to live in that anxiety inducing space.
Tara: And that's, you mentioned it with the podcast of sort of these cliffhangers. Our journey in particular felt like I was solving a mystery every single cycle and it's, it's life altering when that becomes your world.
Michelle: 100%. And I remember you mentioning also, even though you went to like the best RE and she was amazing. I mean, she really was like looking into everything. She's really honest with you. Even though you did that, it still wasn't like, you couldn't figure out that you actually needed to talk to an immunologist.[00:03:00]
Tara: Right, and it's because, you know, I, I think what's interesting about infertility is there's a large community and you hear, there are so many people that are experiencing pregnancy loss or going through infertility, but in the grand scheme of things. There still is a population that just gets pregnant very easily and you can have multiple children very easily without problems or complications.
Tara: And IVF isn't an exact science. So, as amazing as it is, and it's incredible that we ha I wouldn't have my daughter without IVF. So, it's incredible that we have this, but it also isn't a guaranteed. Result when you go into IVF, it's not like you are guaranteed a baby and I think doctors are just trying their best to Find the problem and I think when people go into IVF The great thing is is usually within two retrievals or two transfers You have positive results, [00:04:00] and that is great that those are the statistics, but there is a community out there where, where my husband and I fell into, where that's not the case.
Tara: We went through six failed transfers, we had four miscarriages, we did eight retrievals. And there's a world where you can be the best doctor in, in the world and not know exactly why my body isn't keeping a pregnancy. And, you know, my doctor says it. She said, I have tested you more than any other of my patients.
Tara: And we couldn't find an answer until the reproductive immunology result came about. And we finally got a little bit more information.
Michelle: yeah, and I remember like listening to your stories I loved listening to you and your husband and I love the connection that you guys have together and how you can infuse humor and you know in a time that is so difficult and just listening to like the rawness and the realness of the whole situation and I can feel the frustration like I was like like what what is it, you [00:05:00] know, cuz I'm like Following as you're going,
Tara: Right. And we just hit so many different obstacles, too, where then all of a sudden, you know, I had a septum that was a residual septum and you think, oh my goodness, we found the answer. And then you lose another embryo and, you know, it's just, it really is a rollercoaster ride when you're, you're part of this world.
Tara: It's traumatizing.
Michelle: sure. And also, I mean, you know, everybody wants that positive pregnancy, but then when you go through that positive pregnancy and every single time you're waiting for that heartbeat and you're going through the PTSD over and over and over again. It was just, it's traumatizing for sure.
Tara: It really is traumatizing and I think especially, I mean, obviously any type of loss, any type of miscarriage, but when you start having repeat or recurrent miscarriage, it really is like reliving that first trauma over and over again and it feels like the worst, you know, nightmarish movie [00:06:00] of deja vu playing out in front of you and it's, it's really hard to know how to cope and I, you know, obviously I, I started therapy, but.
Tara: You know, it's just dealing with grief and loss, and that's a lot to take on while also still pursuing and going down the road of trying to build a family through it all. So I think people that don't experience pregnancy loss or infertility or any of these types of journeys or IVF, that you don't really realize what this world entails and how there are no guarantees and how there are so many failures and there's so much.
Tara: grief and loss associated with every kind of failure that people are really struggling in this world, you know, emotionally and mentally, let alone the physical feats they have to put their body through.
Michelle: And also the fact that you are having to perform during this time and be out in the public. And I mean, yeah, it's like one thing to be a public figure, but then all of a sudden to actually [00:07:00] express your journey with the public is a whole different level of courage.
Tara: Yeah, it's terrifying. I remember for the first time, I've always been so open, but the, the night before the podcast came out and we released that we, you know, We're going to talk about this journey. It was just, you know, I was so nervous. I was so anxious. I felt so unsettled to just be sharing this information.
Tara: Just because also it's, it's a subject that's not talked about enough. It's a subject that's still, there's still shame and, silence that surrounds infertility and pregnancy loss and miscarriage. So it was really hard to just put it all out there.
Michelle: And so what was the final reason? I mean, obviously you probably wanted to get the story out there because you knew it was going to help a lot of people. I know it was hard for you because you were talking about how when you were speaking about it, one of the days you came home and you cried, you really felt it.
Michelle: And you're like, that's weird. I thought I was like, I dealt with this. And all of a sudden all these emotions are coming up. And then also [00:08:00] did you feel on some level, it was also healing to, to speak about it? Yeah.
Tara: I mean, of course, I want to help people and connect people. But I think it was something that Todd and I went through together that was, you know, very traumatic. And of course, we had tried to process all the feelings as they were happening, but that's hard to do. And I think for us, it was really nice to sit down and do this together alone.
Tara: You know, there was no one else. You know part of this podcast but the two of us and to reflect back and to Really see it all laid out. And I think Todd said it in one episode where he just said, you know, you go through it and you're always getting to that next step. But when we started to plan out this podcast and write it down on cards, we really realized all that we had been through and it was healing for us to talk about it and I guess sort of even just honor our own journey and all the embryos we lost and, kind of come to terms with this was five years of our life. And at a certain point, another reason I wanted to do it was it just. It's [00:09:00] one thing to be like, oh, I went through IVF and had a loss and then had a baby and I don't really need to go into detail with the world about it, but this was such a huge, life changing, life altering thing that happened to us that I think it would have always felt very strange to just not share that part of my life and let people in on exactly what was happening.
Michelle: Yeah. And I'll be honest. I mean, it's, it's a big thing. It's not easy to do that at all. Like even, if it's just sharing, a lot of people don't even share it to their families
Tara: And that's fine. And I think that's another thing that I continue to say is like, protect your heart. And if you don't want to talk about it, you don't want to share, you don't have to. And there was a reason I didn't for five years because I really was not able to cope with sharing and continuing.
Tara: Treatment and trying to figure out my own emotions. It was way too overwhelming to share with people and I think that's okay as well
Michelle: 100%. And I think that you [00:10:00] really do have to be ready for anything. And I like that you mentioned that a lot in the podcast, you talked about if people don't feel comfortable with this, that is their journey and it has to be a personal thing. So I thought it was really important to mention.
Michelle: And one thing that actually struck me is the fact that you didn't get your period until 25, that was like, wow, like nobody said anything to you at that point.
Tara: no I brought that up because I just think it's it's it's an important topic of just women's reproductive health in general how So little we actually know and so little is being tested for us throughout our twenties or thirties when it comes to fertility or really the education there for us about fertility and, you know, making informed decisions about, you know, family building for me, getting my period so late, didn't have an impact on my journey and, and wasn't any part of the reason for IVF I didn't go into it because it was [00:11:00] just very long winded in the podcast, but I simultaneously were, I was having a ton of other symptoms and we found out that I had a pituitary disorder.
Tara: So we had to, I went on medication, thyroid medication and we sort of addressed that with other medications as well and it immediately brought on my cycle. But it goes to show that. You know, when it comes to women's health, something like that probably would have been found way sooner if people were actually concerned about why, you know, that wasn't happening for me.
Tara: And I think sometimes it's like, Oh, it's, it's okay. Or it could be because she's an athlete or Oh, it's, you know, periods are, cycles are, sort of, you know, they can be mysterious, but clearly there was a, an underlying problem and thank goodness we found that, because that could have affected my health in other ways, too.
Tara: You know, but I was diagnosed with secondary pituitary thyroid disease as well when we found this, which was obviously, [00:12:00] affecting my, hormones.
Michelle: One of the things too you mentioned is is going to the OB at first and then the OB is not having like the same information as the REs.
Michelle: That's a big thing because a lot of times people won't know. that there's a reproductive endocrinologist and sometimes they'll think, okay, I'm not, I don't need IVF, so I shouldn't go. But it's something I mentioned a lot is just really uncovering. They understand fertility it's a little more specialized.
Tara: Yes, I think to just in general, like I'm saying, whether it's women's reproductive health or fertility, it's so crazy that in 2023, we don't know so many things that would help us make, different informed decisions about our life. And I just think for, me, even just waiting until my late thirties to begin the process of family building is interesting for me to think about just because. I, I never even thought to do it sooner.
Michelle: And also, when you were taking us through your journey, it's interesting to kind of note that like, initially , you were, [00:13:00] looking into the surgery for the endometriosis, but then you're like, no, and you were reading about it. And. And you were like, definitely no, like a no on that.
Michelle: And then you eventually changed your mind and then you were like, thank God I did it. But what I, what was interesting about it is that that's kind of how life is. you change your mind, you look more into things. You realize that even though you make decision, it can change and that's okay.
Michelle: And so that was interesting. And then similar with having a surrogate.
Tara: Yes. I think for us at that point you know, that wasn't the first, journey that I ever expected that we'd be on towards, our daughter. But when you go through so much for five years, you get to a point where you stop worrying about the experience of, for me, at least I stopped worrying about the experience of pregnancy that I wanted so badly.
Tara: And I had already experience for pregnancies and sort of the charm of it all was taken away from me. And it would've been lovely if I could innocently go through a pregnancy [00:14:00] and, birth a child, but that just isn't my story and it finally got to the point where I realized I wanted to get to the next step of actually having a family instead of focusing on this nine month experience.
Michelle: Yeah, it's interesting how things play out but you did mention when you were going into the surrogate process That's like a whole other animal and you were also saying which is something that really struck me is you vibed with The surrogate.
Michelle: You just knew it was like an intuitive knowing or feeling like, Oh my God, this, this is it. You found alignment.
Tara: Yes, and I think for me, it was one of the best blessings that has come along in our journey. Not only just, you know, a surrogate in general, that we're so lucky to have surrogates who can, help families or people or women going through infertility or pregnancy loss, but to find someone who I really connected with.
Tara: And to find someone that we had [00:15:00] this communication, daily communication, and we had this, this feeling of being teammates was just super special. You
Michelle: Even though you had a surrogate, you still went through that initial fear. That was like the one feeling that you had and then eventually tapered down, like, once the tests came and everything was like looking
Tara: It really was in the beginning so hard because it was the ultimate test, right? We had these, these genetically normal embryos that weren't working in me and now we take that variable out of the mix and we have a surrogate and we kind of felt this pressure of if it doesn't work, which of course there's a chance it wouldn't, but it really felt like there was so much hanging on this actually working to prove that, you know, our embryos were able.
Tara: To produce a baby, finally, we kind of knew that it was probably the immunology [00:16:00] in my body, but now is the ultimate test and the anxiety just leading up to that was, was so overwhelming.
Michelle: I mean, I felt it, I felt it listening to you guys and I felt it following your story. You could, you could really feel it, but of course you can't feel it like you guys felt it. But I felt what it must've been like to go through that because that's all you've known in the past. So it's hard to see a different future when something like.
Michelle: Has repeatedly happened over and over and over again, so I can completely see how petrifying it could be.
Tara: Right. And it's just, you know, what do you do then? You know, we have tried and exhausted so many options. We were just getting to the point of,, I think it was just the sitting with the fear of like, Can this be a possibility for us? Because if this doesn't work, where do we go next?
Michelle: And then you were also simultaneously performing around that same time, which is the most like
Tara: Right. And,
Michelle: that you felt
Tara: right. And to be keeping that [00:17:00] a secret as well just felt and I think that's why we did the podcast because at a certain point it just felt like, all right, Tara, just, just share because it's so hard to keep the sadness and pain and put on a smile and pretend like life is okay. When it's really not.
Michelle: and you've had people approach you guys and mention or say certain comments during this journey. That you guys were having to deal with while you were going through this simultaneously.
Tara: Right, and you, you, I think anyone in the infertility world experiences these feelings or during pregnancy loss or again, just an IVF journey, whatever it may be, unless you really walk in those shoes, it's hard to explain the feelings that you have and then to know that. You know, your family or your friends may not truly understand the pain you're in can make it even more isolating or make you feel even more alone.[00:18:00]
Michelle: That's one of the reasons why I find like communities or people that really understand where you're coming from or going through it as well can be so healing and I noticed also you were mentioning that it brought you and your husband so close on a different type of bond
Tara: we did, and we went through, you know, hard times through infertility trying to understand where he was at, where I was at, you know, at one point, I think he was really rethinking how much he, he wanted to continue, whereas I was, you know, desperate to continue, and we had to figure out how to get on the same page a lot of times.
Tara: And I think infertility has helped us now, even as we move forward in life and marriage find ways to understand each other and know what each other really needs in that moment and to be able to support them because it's hard when you're going through loss or infertility to always be on the same page.
Tara: But I also think the podcast has helped us too, as we had to relive all of these moments in detail and [00:19:00] not skim over them kind of like we were doing in real life. To kind of go back in and even re examine them even more and I think that's brought us closer You know, we'd finish these episodes and feel Very close and bonded obviously through what we just talked about or what we went through
Michelle: I think that was just one of the amazing things about it because you don't often hear the couple, both. Talking about their different perspectives and really hearing what they went through throughout the process.
Michelle: And then you do feel at times where you guys have different emotions or dealing with it in different ways. So I thought that brought more realness to the whole.
Tara: Right. I'm so glad ty was able to be part of this and add his perspective because I think any partner in this situation has a lot of feelings if they're the one not going through the treatment and You know, they probably feel that they have to support their partner, but they're also feeling so many emotions and [00:20:00] they probably don't understand exactly what their partner is going through.
Tara: So I hope that the podcast was able to open up those conversations or if partners listen together to, to really relate or. To re examine or think about what that other person is going through to see how they can support them even more.
Michelle: No doubt. And for people listening that are still on the journey and they're still in the unknown what words would you like to share with them?
Tara: You know, I never really have an advice because I don't know if I have any perfect answers and I, every time I went through it I just tried to do the best I could. And my advice would be to feel all the feelings and none of your feelings that you're feeling are abnormal. And the thing I would like to say is.
Tara: More than anything, I, I see you, I hear you, I understand you. I may not know you, you may be a stranger, but we probably have a [00:21:00] shared experience that creates a bond more than, you know, many people I know in my life because we've gone and walked down this road, and I know what you're going through, and I know that type of pain, and you know, looking back at my career, the Olympics, of course, I'm proud of the things I have done, but I'm very proud of being able to get through pregnancy loss or IVF Or infertility.
Tara: And those are maybe my proudest moments. So I just hope that everyone listening knows how strong they are and how proud they should be because success of a live birth is you know, one dream that people have. But you are accomplishing so many little things, even through all of those failures and losses by just being able Yeah.
Tara: To get up the next day and start again, or maybe making the decision of, no, this is no longer for us. I've learned so much through this process, but I need to take care of myself in a different way.
Michelle: Yeah, that's beautiful. [00:22:00] And for people who want to find you, and of course, I'm sure a lot of people are already following you, but what is your, the best way for people to reach out to you? Cause you had mentioned DMs, right? Sometimes
Tara: Yes.
Michelle: going through,
Tara: Through the podcast, I've
Michelle: I know that must be overwhelming DMs, but
Tara: little overwhelming, but responding to so many DMs and connecting with all of these beautiful people, which has been so meaningful, but you can find us on Unexpecting Pod on Instagram or Tara Lipinski at Instagram, and then of course Unexpecting is on Apple, Spotify, anywhere you find your podcast, iHeart, as well as my YouTube, which is Tara Lipinski.
Michelle: awesome. Tara, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. And of course I. Suggest for everybody to listen to unexpecting. It is incredible. It's amazing. It's all the details. It's everything. It really is everything So I highly recommend. Oh, I loved I really enjoy it. I really did I really enjoy it and I couldn't stop listening to
Tara: Yeah, I love it.
Michelle: I want [00:23:00] to hear it happens. And I felt like, I really got to know you and your husband and the connection that you guys had together and it was just really special. So thank you so much for coming on the podcast and it was such a pleasure talking to you today.
Tara: Thank you so much.