EP 322 Why Positive Thinking Can be a Trap When It Comes to Fertility

On today’s episode of The Wholesome Fertility Podcast, I dive into the nuances of positive thinking and why it can sometimes be counterproductive during the fertility journey. While positive thinking is often praised, it can sometimes invalidate our true feelings, create shame, and hinder emotional flow. I share insights from both personal experiences and the principles of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), emphasizing the importance of emotional authenticity and achieving a state of neutrality to support fertility and overall well-being.

Takeaways:

• Toxic positivity can be harmful. It may invalidate genuine emotions and create shame or pressure to feel a certain way.

• Neutrality is key. Balancing yin and yang allows for emotional flow and supports both mental and physical well-being.

• Emotions are energy. Observing and processing emotions without judgment promotes natural healing and balance.

• Practical tools: Meditation, mindfulness, journaling, and therapies like acupuncture can help create flow and harmony.

• Limit external pressures. Set boundaries and curate your environment to avoid triggers, allowing for peace and authenticity.

For more information about Michelle, visit: www.michelleoravitz.com

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Transcript:

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Wholesome Fertility Podcast. Today I am going to be talking about why positive thinking isn't always so positive, especially when it comes to the fertility journey and why it could sometimes be a trap. So stay tuned.

So today I want to discuss the hidden pitfalls of positive thinking when it comes to your fertility journey and why it is not always as positive as we intend for it to be.

So there's a good reason why positive thinking or the movement of positive thinking has made such a huge impact on a lot of people. And you'll hear a lot about it. When it comes to so many different things when it comes to work when it comes to your body when it comes to like so many things and The reason why I think it is so impactful is the aspect of it of really guiding our minds [00:01:00] to the possibilities of things happening and There's definitely benefits to that However, it could be a trap.

It could be a trap to think positively and I'll explain why, especially when it comes to the fertility journey. Sometimes it can actually make things worse.

So, you may have heard of the term or the phrase, Toxic positivity. So yes, anything can become and turn into something unhealthy, even positivity.

You may have been in a situation where you were trying to explain how you were feeling to somebody you really care about, and you just needed to get A load of emotions off your chest. And as soon as you do that, the person says, well, you know, maybe it's this, maybe it's that, or trying to sort of shift the way you're looking at things.

And then you find yourself feeling worse.

The likelihood of why you were feeling [00:02:00] so bad is because in so doing in, you know, the good intention of your friend or your family member to try to get you to just stay positive or, another example is going to a dinner party and being told, Oh, you know, people sometimes at the last minute when they start to feel relaxed, that's when they start to get pregnant. So you get stories like that over and over again, but the reason why it could be so detrimental and it can actually have an impact that's the opposite is because you start to feel invalidated for your feelings and you're not feeling like whatever it is that you're experiencing is valid and you shouldn't feel that way.

And there's almost an element that sometimes can turn into a level of shame you. In feeling that you can't just feel how you're feeling without, I guess, a positive judgment. So positivity, just like [00:03:00]negativity, it could be a judgment on something.

And it can also get you into a state where you don't really feel authentic. You're feeling like you have to be a certain way and that doesn't come from where you're truly feeling. It doesn't really align with how your current state is. So when you're constantly going against yourself, then it can cause you to feel worse.

So ultimately the reason why you would even implement anything as positive thinking is to feel better.

So when you're trying to implement something that you don't really feel aligned with, then it can add an extra added pressure to your already pressure filled journey trying to conceive. So then on top of all of that, you feel shame or bad or guilt for feeling negative emotions. And these negative emotions are actually very normal emotions to have.

And sometimes you start to beat yourself up because you think to [00:04:00] yourself, well, is it because I wasn't being positive that I'm not conceiving? Am I not being positive enough to make my fertility work? And then it gets you onto this whole other rabbit hole of thoughts and ideas that again, only make you feel worse.

So let's just look into why those things make you feel worse. It's because you are feeling your truth of emotions and regardless of it feeling, I guess, negative, but again, that's a judgment. By denying that, by saying, by putting that judgment of this is a negative feeling and I have to feel much better, then there's pressure and there's also resistance that's being created.

In regards to what is for you in this present moment. So rather than putting judgments on anything that you're going through emotionally, and rather than looking at emotions as inherently good or bad, allow them just to be what they[00:05:00] are. And this is one of the things that is so powerful about a mindfulness practice is that we're not trying to suppress anything.

You're just allowing things to be. And so emotions can be like energy. And this is one of the reasons why Chinese medicine, the way we focus on the body and the thing that actually heals the body. Is creating a sense of flow. So when you're taking something and you're either constricting and you're not really aligning, you're resisting or you're attaching too much, then you're not allowing a state of flow and you're not allowing this state of yin and yang balance.

So suppressing or denying emotions positivity can actually create an emotional backlog and it can lead to increased stress and even physical symptoms. that the fertility journey can often come with grief. It can come with anger. It can come with frustration. It can come with fear.

All these feelings deserve to be acknowledged and processed just like anything in [00:06:00] life. So if those things are suppressed, that is not true positivity. On the other hand, allowing yourself to feel the feelings and go through the motions and allowing them to move as their normal progression is naturally that can allow

a spontaneous feeling of joy from that release of emotions. So there's a difference between trying to force joy and trying to force positivity than to be in a natural spontaneous state of joy. by allowing yourself that space and that freedom of allowing yourself to really just truly freely express yourself.

Now that doesn't mean to express yourself by hurting other people. You know, there's, everything's in a balance. So you use your expression in a way that doesn't really harm other people or doesn't impact other [00:07:00] people other than allowing them to be part of your journey or being there as a support but really processing emotions in a healthy way. Sometimes this means going and seeking therapy from a qualified professional and ideally somebody who really understands your specific needs. So it could be , somebody who specializes in fertility, wellness, so it's important to have somebody who's really trained in that specific

specialty.

And I also want to note that processing emotions is very distinct from staying in those emotions. So there's a difference between allowing emotions to move through because naturally if you really allow emotions to go freely they're gonna come and go and they're not gonna stay stagnant. When you find yourself almost persisting in those states of emotions all the time, that too is not a natural state.

[00:08:00] That's actually forcing yourself to stay in it because either we feel shame or we feel we deserve to feel that way or that we don't personally allow ourselves to move through it until we get that object of desire, in the case of fertility, it's conceiving. And what happens is even if you do get conception and conception occurs, you'll realize that through that stagnation of emotions, that once you do get what you desire, those emotions don't necessarily go away.

And that actually takes a lot of people by surprise as well.

Processing emotions definitely requires us to be accepting of our state, accepting of what is in this moment, accepting how we feel in this moment, and really truly like giving ourselves that self compassion and that full acceptance of us. in our state, how we are in this moment, and when we do so, we're allowing the process to happen and unfold as it needs to naturally.

But it is [00:09:00] important to either get proper support if need be, depending on how extreme those emotions are and depending on if we don't feel like we can get through it by ourselves. And it's very important not to have shame around that and to be able to ask for help when we need it.

So taking this to ancient Chinese philosophy and really the Tao, which is what Chinese medicine is based on. If you haven't heard the earlier podcasts that I've had where I talk about the Dow and I talk about how it really translates as the way and allows life to flow best in the state of balance and not extremes.

So those are things that are really important. So being too positive is actually considered an extreme. Having something where it's not natural for us and we're kind of forcing a smile is considered an extreme. It's not considered a state of balance If you look at it from a [00:10:00] Chinese medicine perspective and ultimately it's really realizing that there is no good or bad when it comes to emotions and there is no good or bad when it comes to states. The best possible harmonious state that you can be in is allowing both the yin and the yang, which are complete opposing forces to harmonize and work to balance each other together in complementaries.

And really understanding that yin represents stillness, receptivity, coolness, it's more inert, and yang represents . activity, action and heat. And so many times through the fertility journey, we can be very proactive. We want to do a lot and sometimes we're feeling the feelings that we have. We can go into a yin state and allow ourselves to process that and to be in stillness and to be giving ourselves that space to process whatever it is [00:11:00] that we need to go through, knowing that this harmony, there is no good and bad, and that really ultimately it's about listening to our hearts and allowing what is in its full entirety with no judgment.

So you may be asking, where do I go from now? I don't want to feel horrible. I don't want to feel like this difficulty. And I want to think positively because thinking positive can help. Improve physicality and it can help improve a lot of things. And yes, there is truth to that.

Absolutely. But it's important to keep it in balance. And ultimately what a lot of the ancients say in a lot of ancient traditions is really neutrality is key to flow. So neutrality 

is the ultimate state. of yin and yang balance. So when you have both opposites harmonizing, you create a neutrality and that neutrality, that homeostasis is the key to flow [00:12:00] and that allows the flow of your divine intelligence in your mind and your body. And when I say your mind, those are the things that really connects you with your intuition, where it allows you to have the clarity of mind so that you are able to create consciously.

And yes, absolutely. You can create consciously in your life. However, if you're creating from a state of stress, then that will taint and underlying the intention of where you're coming from in your creation. So yeah, 100 percent we are creators and 100% thinking in a way that is positive can really impact your journey.

So I'm not negating that at all. However, doing so from a place of neutrality so that there's no major attachment and no major resistance to what you don't want or attachment to what you do want. Having a state of neutrality where you're coasting through that, first of [00:13:00] all, is a possibility on the fertility journey.

I work with so many people and it is a possibility in the fertility journey. I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that is not possible for me until I have the baby. And that is a misconception because I've seen the possibility of it and I can guarantee you, you can get to the state of neutrality through that.

And by doing so, you're actually creating more space in your life in doing so. Now that doesn't mean negating how you feel. And part of getting to that state of neutrality is allowing yourself that space to be in your own authenticity, whatever that may look like at the moment.

So I want to make a couple of really key points here is that neutrality, when I talk about neutrality, neutrality is not indifference. So it's not meaning I don't care about anything. I'm just going to be completely numb because that's actually going all [00:14:00] the way to the yin and then trying to be too .

positive could be trying too hard and going all the way to the young. It's actually going in the middle. So neutrality is not being indifferent. Neutrality doesn't mean you're not doing anything. It's creating a state of equilibrium and flow where your emotions can rise and fall without pulling you out of alignment.

And you can imagine it like a river flowing smoothly. So knowing that obstacles come and go, but the water continues to flow in So when it comes to Chinese medicine perspective, flow is bi directional. It impacts the mind and it impacts the body. If you create flow in the body through Chinese medicine, through herbs and acupuncture, And even Qigong or yoga. So this isn't just for acupuncture. You can create flow in the body many different ways.

It will create and reflect as flow in your mind. And if you [00:15:00] create flow in your mind by doing things like meditation and calming your mind, or even chanting or humming, which I guess is also physical, then that will create coherence and flow in your body. So ultimately, when you have flow and coherence in your body and your mind, it will impact your fertility.

And that is how I approach my own treatments towards my patients. And also the course that I do when I work with people online, it's all about creating this flow because when you do get this flow, That is the optimal state for your body to conceive.

So for example, emotions are very much linked to our organs and you may have heard me talk about this before, but like things like worry or thinking too much can actually impact your digestive system and having, , An imbalanced digestive system will actually cause you to worry more. So sometimes[00:16:00] you'll feel certain emotions that are very much linked to the state of your organs.

And anger can disrupt the liver chi or stress can disrupt the liver chi by constricting because the liver is in charge of creating free flow in your body. And so the liver is basically your best friend when it comes to flow, if it is in the right balance.

Similarly, if the liver is not optimal, it is going to feel more disrupted when we have other things going on in our life. So it can cause us to feel more stress. So all of these things are bidirectional and fear , is tied to the kidneys, which are really incredibly important when it comes to reproductive vitality and health.

So one of the best things that I can mention is if you look at emotions as you would energy, basically, where you look at it from an objective perspective, and a sense of neutrality where you're looking at the emotions as energy or even getting into your body state [00:17:00] when you're going through the emotions and saying, where do I feel this?

When you start to look at your body and not think about the ideas and the stories that are connected to the emotions, you'll be able to create a sense of separation because you're observing when you're observing, you can separate.

So a couple of practical steps to creating this neutrality is through your acknowledgement of how you're feeling. And you could do this, like I said, through your body or even through journaling. So you can write down certain things, how it makes you feel, and also talking to a friend or a family member or a therapist, depending on how much you feel you need and what you're able to process alone.

Another technique that can help us really become more neutral is things like meditation, mindfulness, even yoga, , Tai Chi, moving your body, able to really feel and process your emotions somatically through your [00:18:00] body can help. And then meditations really through your mind, but observing of your body.

You can do that, or you can think about your observation of your emotions or your thoughts and watching them, observing them so that you're over time training your mind to separate from that and not get pulled in to those emotions and not get pulled into the ideas or the judgments of them. And you're just able to see it from an objective perspective.

Another thing I am personally biased to is acupuncture and herbal support, and those things can definitely help through the physical body and through certain points to, to, balance the nervous system and also create a sense of peace. So that can help a lot with processing emotions. And that is one of the ways you can actually get extra help if you feel like sometimes those emotions can be very overwhelming.[00:19:00]

Acupuncture helps tremendously in allowing yourself to process those emotions. I have a lot of people release a lot of emotions while they're doing acupuncture and it could be very, very supportive. There's a lot of. herbal formulas that can support your mind. They can support even the sleep, which in during the sleep, you're actually processing a lot as well.

So sleep is really important in processing emotions and processing 

stress as well.

And then also adopting a both and mindset, which gives you permission to feel both hope and frustration, joy and sadness at the same time, allowing yourself to be okay with having opposing emotions for the same exact thing. So then it gives you the space to also feel joy at times and also feel sadness and not giving yourself all or nothing in this whole process.

And I think that doing that takes out [00:20:00] the extra added pressure or the guilt that you feel when you do have moments of joy after grieving a loss, really just allowing yourself the space and the freedom to just be however you want to show up.

And lastly, limit external pressures. If you find that people are adding more pressure or giving you that toxic positivity, then yes, feel free to set those boundaries. Sometimes it can be just not even mentioning specifics, but just really setting the boundaries and creating space between you and certain people that you feel are adding too much pressure to you.

You could also limit external pressures by creating almost a detox of certain social media accounts that tend to bring up feelings of pressure to be extra positive because it seems like those people have that type of life and that ultimately many times is not really what it [00:21:00] seems to be.

It's something that we perceive and make meaning of. So if those things do trigger a lot of those pressures, I definitely suggest limiting that as well.

And also taking walks in nature, sometimes nature reminds us how things can be opposing, but perfectly beautiful in their imperfections. So sometimes just walking and observing and listening to the sounds of the leaves blowing in the trees and feeling the wind on your face and just taking yourself into a moment of presence that will ultimately lead you to some sense of neutrality where you almost forget where you are and you can just be perfectly present.

By doing so, you're giving yourself a little space and a break from everything, the good, the bad, or the judgments of those, and you're allowing yourself to be fully present. And by observing things [00:22:00]around you, you can actually get yourself to that state of neutrality. I highly recommend doing that. It can really impact your consciousness.

And at least at the very least, it can give you a little mental break.

Remember that balance is key. And ultimately, I mean, that is how Chinese medicine works. That's how I get the body to be in a state of healing. And I say state of healing because ultimately it's the body that heals itself. We're just creating a state of neutrality and a state of balance. So that is ultimately what feels the most authentic to us because it's innate.

So I hope that you enjoyed this episode and feel free to reach out to me with any questions or ideas or thoughts for new future episodes on my Instagram. You can DM me there and my handle is at the wholesome lotus fertility. And if you guys enjoy this podcast, then please subscribe.

And it makes me really happy to [00:23:00] get reviews on Apple music. I read all of them. So thank you so much for tuning in today, and I hope you have a beautiful day.