EP 298 Is This Normal? Changes in Relationships on the Fertility Journey
In this episode, I will discuss the question, "Is it normal for relationships to change on the fertility journey?" Navigating the fertility journey often brings significant changes to relationships, especially between partners. The emotional and physical strain of frequent doctor visits, unexpected news, and the frustration of unanswered questions can be overwhelming. Men and women often process grief and stress differently, which can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of isolation. Many couples choose to keep their struggles private, adding to the challenge. This journey not only affects the primary relationship but also extends to interactions with family and friends. Understanding and patience become crucial as partners try to support each other through a deeply personal and often isolating experience.
Takeaways:
Fertility challenges can significantly disrupt life and cause emotional strain.
Partners may process grief and stress differently, leading to misunderstandings.
Many couples choose to keep their struggles private, adding to isolation.
Sharing experiences with a supportive community can be healing.
Fertility challenges can put pressure on intimacy, turning it into a task.
Effective communication helps in understanding each other’s perspectives.
Family and friends may unintentionally add stress with insensitive questions.
Setting boundaries with well-meaning but uninformed loved ones is important.
Couples therapy can be beneficial even if the relationship isn’t in crisis.
Recognizing that relationship changes during fertility challenges are normal.
It is okay to decline emotionally taxing events like baby showers.
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For more information about Michelle, visit: www.michelleoravitz.com
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Transcript:
[00:00:00] On today's episode of, is this normal? We are going to be talking about. relationship changes when you're on the fertility journey. And this is actually something very common that I see with lots of people that I work with, and it can be really confusing. And so I wanted to address topics that people come to me about and really reiterate the fact that yes, this is normal.
This is actually very common for relationships to shift when people are on On the fertility journey, and then, of course, I'm going to give some tips and some things that you can do in order to make that a little bit easier.
So, although I don't love this word, the I word, the infertility diagnosis has been compared to a cancer diagnosis, when couples are going through this really difficult journey of fertility challenges, it can really throw a person's life upside[00:01:00] down. And I'm sure if you're listening to this podcast, most likely you are on the fertility journey yourself and completely understand what that is like from the inside out.
It can be disruptive in the sense that you have to stop what you're doing and go to a bunch of doctor's visits and then get news that you weren't really expecting to hear, and then sometimes get the news that there is no known understanding for why things are happening, which could be very frustrating, confusing.
And so basically it can really throw the reality of your life
and what you expected for your future with your partner completely upside down.
Not to mention the challenges for same sex couples, I mean there's so many different factors or uncovering that you have possibly other underlying health concerns or conditions that you weren't aware of before. Or
so many couples go through this [00:02:00] by themselves. Many people do not feel comfortable sharing their experience and sharing the fact that they're trying because quite frankly it's nobody's business and it is something that you're going through on your own. So it's very personal. It's a personal thing and Many times it includes losses, pregnancy losses that people are not aware of.
So then you have these different rings of relationships. So of course the most important relationship really ultimately is between you and your partner. And then you have other people in your life that are outside of that circle. Meaning the next circle, the next ring would be your family that you grew up Extended family and then outside of that is friends or people that you're close with So you have lots of different people in your life That you are related to and connect with and not [00:03:00] everybody is going to know what you are going through So it could be very challenging to go through something very difficult privately.
The first relationship I'm going to talk about is really the relationship between you and your partner. And this is definitely something that I hear often being addressed and talked about with my patients and my clients, because it is something that a lot of people don't realize. That everybody deals with grief and everybody deals with fertility challenges differently.
I even see many of my patients, every single one of them is dealing with them a little differently. Of course it is something that is causing anxiety and fear. This seems to be across the board. But everybody responds differently to what they're faced with. And then the same goes with couples. And the same goes with, especially, How women tend to face it versus men.
And [00:04:00] I know we like to generalize, but there is a difference in a lot of the couples that I speak to and how they perceive and approach the fertility journey. Sometimes women will be a lot more emotional and they'll feel things deeper and more primal. And then sometimes the men will work and not really deal with emotions even though they are having emotions.
And so it seems like to a lot of my women patients, That have talked to me and I'm kind of like the sounding board so I do know what's going on behind the scenes and They share with me that sometimes they don't feel like they're being supported enough or they will be doing everything by the book Doing all the supplements really changing everything going to the doctors doing all the tests And sometimes they won't feel the same from their partner.
They'll try to get them to stop smoking marijuana or drinking alcohol or taking their supplements. [00:05:00] So there are many of those things that do happen quite often. Now, of course, I'm not a psychotherapist, but the reason I want to talk about this is because I do see a lot of couples and I do see a lot of patterns that tend to play out.
So I did want to mention this in the podcast episode so that. when you are going through this, that you realize that you are not alone, that this is actually very common and very normal. And it is an extra weight of challenge that you are taking on in your life that you normally wouldn't have to, or normally wouldn't really account for in your life.
So this is something that kind of, It comes out of left field for many people, and it could be very confusing. It could be very frustrating. Another thing that can happen besides the communication and besides really feeling like you're on the same page is the intimacy because there does feel like an added pressure to the intimacy. And [00:06:00] You have to have sex at a certain time. And all of a sudden, rather than having something that used to connect you, now it's something that has to be done and it becomes a means to an end, rather than the journey itself.
I talk a lot about this. I talk about this also in my book, It really is important to sustain that connection with your partner. And by sustaining it, it means just really spending time. The more time you spend with the person that you're with, the more understanding you'll have. And what I mean by that is spending time doing things that you used to love doing and really nurturing the relationship in a way that for that moment, you're forgetting everything else.
But you're really putting your attention towards. nurturing the relationship itself. I can't stress how important that is. And sometimes that means temporarily letting go of any frustrations that you have [00:07:00] with your partner because sometimes we can get into a cycle of blame or difficulties or not feeling heard.
And I find that sometimes when we don't focus so much on fixing and instead focus on spending time together, that will create more sensitivity naturally and more compassion, empathy will grow because then nobody is on guard and aren't as defensive.
So while it is important to communicate and sometimes even therapy can help. It's important to also remember the things that you love about each other and spend some quality time nurturing the relationship. What I find in general and what I found in my own relationship is that even if I'm frustrated about something, sometimes if I tackle it head on, it makes the person defensive and then nobody gets anywhere.
And rather than doing that, spending a little more time hearing each other out, coming into it. With more [00:08:00]softness does tend to help
something that I've also found with my patients and the people that I work with is that once they realize that. Men and women tend to process grief differently and also just different people in general, whether it doesn't matter if you're a male or female, tend to process things differently. Then they realize, coming from a perspective that they're having, that it doesn't have to necessarily be the same perspective.
And that doesn't mean. That they're not processing the same amount of pain. It's just processed in a different way. And I think once people realize that, and I've had other therapists come on the podcast in the past and I've had conversations with them, and that's like a big thing that they talk about is just the way that people process things is different.
When you realize that. That doesn't mean that they're feeling less than you, and that [00:09:00] doesn't mean that they're not feeling anything at all. It really makes a big difference and a shift in the way the couple communicates. So, it is important really, I mean, the big tip here is to spend some time together and create a dynamic where you are listening to each other and working together.
And sometimes that means
for a moment, having less expectations and just spending more quality time and then creating that bond. Because when you create that bond, you're naturally going to communicate better. So holding hands, spending time together, getting gifts, Typically what happens is when people feel appreciated and loved on both sides, they're more apt to listen, they're more apt to hear, and it is important to communicate those feelings in a way that is So it is important to communicate for sure, and if it is something that you're going [00:10:00] through that's a little more heavy and like really, really difficult and you feel unheard, that is when I would say therapy would be a great option because although a lot of times couples think, Oh my God, if we're going through therapy, that means something is wrong.
That's not necessarily the case at all. Therapy could be an incredibly useful tool for the couples, especially when they're going through the fertility journey, and sometimes insurance might even cover it. A lot of times if you're doing IVF treatments, they have people that they can recommend to help ease the process because it's known that this could be a very traumatic process.
So I think one of the most important things is really realizing that this is not an easy thing to go through. And whenever you're going through something so huge in your life, it's going to impact relationships.
So, other relationships that I wanted to discuss that I hear often about are relationships with [00:11:00]family members, or mothers in law, or the mothers, or sisters and brothers, and oftentimes, these are the big things that I hear. is that
the couple simply does not want to talk about their personal life and they don't want to talk about their struggles trying to conceive. And they're often faced with family members constantly asking them when they're going to start a family. And this can be incredibly hurtful, frustrating, upsetting, and challenging really to face because you're sitting there with something in private and you can't address it and then you're being asked about it.
And then what's worse is sometimes they do actually talk about what they're going through. It's not a secret, but then they're being given very
unhelpful suggestions as if they don't already know that changing the diet is going to be great And then, [00:12:00] of course, just relax and it's going to be fine, if only it was that easy. So, there's a lot of, very frustrating comments that come, and it seems like when people don't really know what it's like,
they'll never understand quite how painful it is to go through something like this.
And oftentimes, it is very well meaning, but sometimes it can come off as very insensitive. And of course, it's going to be insensitive because unless you're going through it, you're not going to fully understand it. So how can you really, truly be sensitive to the topic and understand it fully and know what to say that's going to make things better?
And sometimes, People don't even want to hear anything. All they want to do is be able to talk or be left alone. So that can really put a strain on the relationship itself. And I hear this a lot and it's like certain family members or certain close friends, you know, And they just don't want to [00:13:00] deal with it.
When you're going through this challenge, you just don't want to deal with that extra added pressure or extra added stress. So this is actually really common. And sometimes the only solution is creating boundaries or possibly seeing those family members a little less. Now, I know that sounds kind of harsh and I know it sounds almost overly simplistic.
However, depending on the relationship, if it is causing you major stress and you're coming home and you're ruminating about it and you're thinking about it and then you're wishing you would have said this or that, and you're just, it's constantly adding an extra added stress to the already stressful and draining process of fertility challenges, then at that point you have to really almost say no to them, say yes to yourself, and look at it as saying yes to yourself, because looking at it in that way, [00:14:00] of self care can shift a little bit of the perspective and make you realize that this is really important for you.
You need to protect your energy. Now, in some cases, some people are able to brush it off. It's not a big deal. I really not take it personally. Most cases, that is not the case because it is a very fragile and vulnerable time of people's lives and they just can't deal with this. It's too much. So that is when I say healthy boundaries are really, really important.
And yes, you absolutely can and should create boundaries when it comes to your relationship, how people are speaking to both of you,
any kind of insensitivity. You have every right to create those boundaries. You not just have a right, but it is really a priority because this is a very difficult time,
and I also want to say that you shouldn't feel pressured to let people know what's going on in your [00:15:00] personal life if you're not ready to do so. You shouldn't feel pressured to do this at work. You shouldn't feel pressured at all because it's really your personal process and you should have every right to decide when and if you are going to tell people about your personal journey.
I highly suggest to while you're going through this to find a community of people that understand where you're coming from. There's so much healing and finding other people that are going through the journey with you. There's something really miraculous that happens and I've seen it in my own work and I've actually had two women who are going through a transfer at the same exact time with the same doctor.
I don't know if I mentioned this on the podcast before, but. I happen to come in late on a Thursday to see both of them because they were having their procedure on Friday morning. So I came in late Thursday so that I'll [00:16:00] be able to do like the pre protocol for the transfer just so happened to be that these two women. We're going through very, very similar situations. Both of them were doing IVF because their husbands had testicular cancer and had to freeze their sperm before going through treatment. I knew at that moment that these two women had to meet and I felt like, Oh my God, this is really meant to be.
And so it was amazing. So I introduced them that day and I remember going out and Outside and I see them Sitting outside talking in the corner and discussing everything and I of course couldn't tell them What their personal story was but I did say you have a lot in common.
You should talk and they became friends and Amazingly both got pregnant. So they're pregnant right now as we speak And I'll tell you, it was really comforting for each of them [00:17:00] to communicate and talk and connect on this because it was something that they both had in common.
They were both going through. One of them had had a previous pregnancy with a successful transfer in the past. So she was guiding. My other patient who this was her first time and she was really nervous and she was calming her down. So it was really a beautiful thing to see. So what I found through and through with so many of my patients and so many of my clients, and even in times where I've created little cohorts
of group coaching is that people connecting to others has been profound. Having this community of people going through the fertility journey and having this kind of friendship and support. is huge. So this is kind of like the opposite. So while many relationships can get impacted in not the best way, and in many situations you may [00:18:00] need to create boundaries.
While that can be so, it's just an amazing opportunity to make new relationships that you will have. Literally for a lifetime, because the bond that you have with other people that are going through the same kind of pain and difficulty and challenges as you is priceless.
Another question that I often hear my patients ask, and if it's normal, is when their sister in laws or sisters or even close friends are having baby showers. And they are expected to be there. And in some cases they do not know that they're going through the fertility journey. So this could be incredibly, incredibly difficult.
Because it serves as a reminder of what you do not have. And it could be really tough. And one of the most. difficult aspects of this that I hear from [00:19:00] the women that I work with is that it is conflicting emotions. You're really happy for the person and you feel so guilty that it's hard for you to be happy for them.
And you're feeling both emotions at the same time and you don't know what to do with yourself. So this is a really difficult time
And it's one of the most challenging states of minds where you feel so many emotions at once. You feel grief, you feel sad, you feel jealous, you feel bad, you feel love. I mean, it's just a combination and it's just a crazy mix of emotions.
What I would say is you don't have to go. If it's that excruciating and that difficult, you can pass on these events. And if it means coming up with some kind of excuse because you really feel like you have to come up with it, then do it. Then come up with an excuse, make it simple, make it a simple and easy exit.[00:20:00]
Of course, you don't want to have to come up with an excuse and you sometimes cannot tell them the truth because they're just not going to understand it. So sometimes you need to do what you have to do to get yourself through this difficult situation. So in those cases, My perspective is that it is okay to say no or to figure out a different way and just to not go.
If you are going to be going through an extra added grief and difficulty, then Almost what's the point? What's the point of going? You're not going to feel happy in that situation and you want to be there in a positive way and you can't. And that's okay. And so in that case, I think you can create that boundary and you can give yourself a pass and you don't have to feel guilty for it.
So this is kind of like my own reflection, if that means anything or if that makes you feel any better. I personally think that this is something that you can definitely bow out [00:21:00] of and you have a very good reason to do so.
So really those are common things that I hear about how relationships get impacted through the fertility journey. So if your relationships are getting impacted and you're feeling a shift, I it is completely normal and very common. And it is something that is going to happen when you start to shift and you're going through your own changes and you're going through difficulties and feeling more vulnerable.
You're going to have different needs and you're going to need to also cut out certain elements that are just not helping you. And I will say, It's okay to be selfish. You need to take care of yourself. So really prioritize your self care. When you are going through this journey, you are in a fragile state, and acknowledging that knowing that can help you and it can help you empower yourself because then you know, okay, I need to come up with a different [00:22:00] strategy because typically.
new things will come up and we're just going to continue life the way we've always done it. But sometimes we need to shift it based on the demands of this new journey that we're on. Now, most of the time, even though those journeys can be long, I can attest because I've been working with a lot of people, is that it doesn't last forever.
But when you are on it, You do need to make some shifts and changes to address the draining of energy that you're going through and to address the need for more self care. So sometimes you can do things like meditate or journal and have a place where you're able to Write down your emotions or have some kind of counseling because it's important to be able to safely process your emotions and connect with people also that are on the same wavelength that are actually helping you in this journey.
And I can say that going out of your way [00:23:00] to be proactive about that. will really serve you so much because you need that support and knowing that you need that support ultimately is the first step
to empowering your journey.
So I hope you got some validation here on this episode because I know really that was ultimately my intention. is to validate what you're going through as completely normal. I see this all the time. It's very, very normal to go through in any kind of process that could be so traumatic and difficult. If you have any questions that you are wondering if it's normal, feel free to DM me on Instagram and my handle is at the wholesome lotus fertility.
I would love to hear from you and I thank you so much for tuning in today. Have a beautiful day.